Two Guys, One Van: The Prequel

Two Guys, One Van: The Prequel

Well… This is the start of it all. But unfortuanately, it was a bit of a solo trip. The original plan was to be able to film up a Super Special of me pretty much showing Schlonky all of the greatness of South African life as we jolled (look it up, it’s a word) around Cape Town, Knysna and Port Elisabeth.

So… Here is the first video of the Prequel. The Cape Town leg of the trip. In this episode I ride Jonkershoek Nature Reserve just outside of Stellenbosch and Trail Z (I wasn’t able to find too much into on this one on the interwebz) which is situated just outside of Durbanville in the Cape Town northern suburbs.

As luck would have it though, not only did Schlonky get a new job and was unable to commit to the leave period he needed, but also had to move towns and ruined his arm snow boarding. But… That’s life. Sometimes you just need to go it alone… He was missed on this trip, but he also missed out. Fun was had. Things were done.

The view towards Saaljie Trail in the Jonkershoek Nature Reserve


The view towards Fire Hut Trail in the Jonkershoek Nature Reserve


Both trails were excellent and well deserving of a couple days riding but it depends on where you’re staying and for how long. You could put just a morning aside for each venue as they are pretty easily accesable from just about anywhere in Cape Town. Just be mindful of the traffic in the AM…

We also have GPX files for the rides all saved up and ready and stuff. So if you want them, so you can slap them onto your Garmin for easy care free riding, hit us up with an e-mail and we’ll send them to you nee bosh like.

Saffa is a glorious place. But it is a place of contrasts. And it all depends of what you want to see and do. You can hug the major cities and tourist spots, and have a whale of a time pretty much like you would in any other major city in the world – or you can head out into the great unknown and experience a little more of the vibe of the country. The choice is yours.

A view towards the Knysna Heads: Knysna

Cape Town, although suffering from a major water shortage (at the time of writing) is like little europe. They share the same weather patterns (winter rainfall season) and as such, think they’re european. The benefit here for you, oh jolly tourist, is that it’s like being in europe… But in Africa.

A view down Cape Cobra Trail: Trail Z – Durbanville

In the Saffa you really need to pay attention to where you’re going. Some areas are hella dangerous. Always lock your doors, don’t stop randomly on the side of the road/highway and stay allert. As a pro-Tip here… Although you may be tempted to be a good samaratin and help out when you see peeps on the side of the road, it might be a good idea to just not. Crims have been known to use the good will of strangers against them when staging high-jackings.

On the plus side though…

Saffa is pretty cheap. Not as cheap as it was, but still pretty cheap non-the-less. So enjoy that! Eat, drink and make merry. Don’t be shy to tip big for good service, or not for shitty service. Many wait staff and the like survive, for the large part, off tips. So be good to peeps. They work hard and your Dollahs and pew-rows go a lot further when they’ve been converted into Ronts South African. And despite all you hear aboot the safety, as long as you’re paying attention, not beeing stoopid about what you’re doing, where you’re going and how you pack/carry/transport your stuffs you should be hundreds… Here in the fatherland, as an example, I see loads of kiddos waltzing down the streets. Wallet in one hand. Cell phone in the other. Hood pulled up over their head and ear buds in… Completely oblivious as to what is going on around them… If you try this in the Saffa… You WILL get robbed. It’s will only be a matter of WHEN and not IF! Just be sensible folks. It’s not that hard.

When driving on the highway system (the Autobahns yoh!) stay ALLERT! The highway code is pretty much like the pirates code… A set of guidelines really… Except the speed limit. You will be heavily fined for speeding.

South Africans also eat A LOT of meat. And the meat is pretty cheap and of excellent quality. Enjoy that…

There were two of us Braai’ing. Hungry boys gotta eat…

We’re not so big on diets, vegitarianism and veganism… So if you’re one of them, and travelling the smaller centres you may have a bad time. And yes… Some people still think it’s OK to eat chicken, fish and bacon if you’re a vegitarian, so don’t be offended if this gets offered to you when you try find out what on the menu you can eat. You should be good to go in most of the bigger cities though… Where people tent towards those wank-knuckle trends… You know… Like gluten free tofu and the Atkins…

King Julian is not amused by your tourism… Monkey World: Knysna

Now… While visiting South Africa, here are a few things you have to try that nobody else will tell you about. No trip to south Africa is complete without these things…

  1. Spur: Eat, at least once, from a Spur resaurant. It’s as much part of the fabric of South Africa as Mama’s pies.
  2. Wimpy: It’s a resaurant… And you just have to. Try take this one in while using an Ultra City…
  3. The Ultra City: It’s a filling station, but on the highway system and it like a shopping centre as well. You know… Urm… Because why not.
  4. Pies: They’re not like the Yanks think a pie is. These are like meals wrapped up in pastry. The Brits will know what they are (But the ones in Brit-land suck big moose in comparison – and don’t even mention Greggs…). Personal favaroutes are lamb and mint, sausage rolls, chicken mushroom, steak and kidney, pepper steak, wild boar, cheese burger pies, savoury mince, rib… DANG! The list is almost endless… I like me some pies I do!
  5. Pie Hunts: These used to be epic adventures of awesomomeness when on the way home from the pubs. You gotta hunt for a pie to eat. You have to buy someting at every stop until you find a pie. You can’t go home until you’ve bought a pie. Pies are pretty much available 24hrs a day just about everywhere now. It wasn’t always like that god dammit! Some days Pie Hunts would last hours and take you all over town. Road blocks for drunk driving weren’t so common back then… Probably coz the cops were too busy eating pies.
  6. Fanta Orange: Yes, you may think you’ve had this before, but you haven’t. Saffa Fanta Orange is the only real one. Buy it. Try it. Be amazed.
  7. Lemingtons: It’s like small blocks of sponge cake soaked in a chocolate syrup and coated in coconut. They’re amazing. In Afrikaans they’re called ystervaark. Which is also Afrikaans for Porcupine. Don’t get them confused.
  8. Skilpaaijies: These are like meatballs, but made from liver and wrapped up in stomach lining. Best cooked on a Braai as a voorsmaakjie. “Skilpaaijie” is Afrikaans for a small tortoise. “Voorsmaakjie” is Afrikaans for a small hors d’ oeuvres. “Hors d’ oeuvres” is french for a small something you eat before your meal. God dammit we’re educational here…
  9. Smiley: It’s a sheeps head. Cooked in a big ass pot on a fire and bought from the side of the road… Whole or in halves. If you want the brains as well, that’ll cost you extra. Try it. This in one of those things you just HAVE to do.
  10. Carling Black Lable Beer: If you think you’ve had black lable before. You haven’t. Not unless it’s from the saffa. It’s not that it’s the best beer you’ll ever have. Far from it. But it tastes of home and friendship. Of good times and hang-overs. Of sunshine and bikini clad ladies on the beach.
  11. Shabeens: You just have to buy something from a shabeen. Yes. Shabeen is an Irish word (apparently) and you can only buy booze there. So go buy some booze from one. They’re usually frequented by street youths and ruffians, so watch yourself. Just don’t let that put you off.
  12. Cream Soda: This is also called “Cream Soba” and “The Green Ambulance”. Besides being a tasty drink, is also considered a hang-over cure by many. Which brings me to…
  13. A pie and an Energade: It’s just a hang-over cure.
  14. Steri Stumpies: They’re like little milkshakes – more flavoured milk really – and you need to have one.
  15. A Snoek Braai: Snoek is a fish. A braai is a BBQ. Combine the two with friends, beer and a beach and you’re in for a good time… Which leads me to…
  16. A Braai: Now people… This is done with WOOD! The only two acceptable forms of wood to use are Acacia Karoo or Camel Thorn (unless you can’t get these two – but you have to use wood!). If you’re gonna use charcoal for anything other than a potjie, you’re not braai’ing. If you even think of saying the words “but propane…” You can just get the fuck out. Braai’s take a long time. The fire rages for ages and are more a social event than a form of cooking. Expect more meat than you normally eat in a month. Maybe a salad. Maybe a bread product of some kind if you’re lucky. If there’s woman folk involved, we go pretty much all out for a Braai and everybody brings enough food to feed everybody else. It’s GLORIOUS!
  17. Potjie: It’s like a braai, but you cook in a potjie pot. It’s not like a stew cooked on the fire, it’s something completely different. Things need to be done right. There’s a system. There are rules. It’s a tradition and a way of life. They’re amazing.
  18. Night Fishing and Obies: Old Brown Sherry (Obies) is shit. Tastes like camel piss and hang-overs, but it keeps you warm and is cheap. When you combine this with a bit of night fishing and some mates it’s a quintessential part of growing up a saffa. You should try it.
  19. If you’re invited to someones place: Bring your own Booze. It’s the way it’s done. Unless you’re specifically told not to. Don’t be that guy that turns up with nothing. Just don’t be that guy!
  20. Hadedahs: They’re a bird. They’re noisy. They’ll wake you up. Just accept it.
  21. Car guards: They’re peeps that look after sections of parking spaces to make sure your car stays safe. Tip them. That’s the only money they get. And don’t be Scrooge Mc Duck about it either…
  22. Enjoy the place man. It’s glorious.

And that’s that. There’ll be more on the South Africa Trip in a bit, once we’ve finished up the Port Elizabeth leg of the trip. Until then…

Peace out.

Two Guys, One Van.

2 Replies to “Two Guys, One Van: The Prequel”

  1. And if you happen to visit Slummies (East London or Buffalo City), go and have a Friesland milkshake (the best milkshake in the world).

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